It's been a long time coming...

So a night of insomnia led to watching "What To Expect When You're Expecting" for the fun of it. Put aside the general Hollywoodness of the movie and it's actually a great reality check for anyone thinking about bringing a baby into the world or already in the process. Along with the myriad experiences showcased throughout the movie, miscarriage and maternal loss is touched upon. This resurfaced my desire to document my personal experience with miscarriage that I've tried to do many times, but could never seem to dig through it and get it down.

I'll take you back to the summer of 2008. May 2008, I took my two children who were 3 and 1 1/2 at the time on a week long visit to Houston to chill with my parents so Rod could get some work done on the home we purchased through HUD as an on-going renovation project. During that week, Rod was asked by his employer to take a two week long work trip to Mexico since he already had a current passport. So, Rod and his brother drove down to Houston at the end of that first week and visited with us over the weekend before heading home. We were going to stay with my parents for the next three weeks.

Fun time at Kemah Boardwalk.

During that time, I started having crazy nausea and an inkling that something was going on inside of my body. With our first pregnancies, we planned and coordinated them. We weren't surprised. This pregnancy was a big surprise. Not planned. I took a pregnancy test to confirm in my parents' bathroom in Houston with my husband miles away in Mexico. I told him over the phone. Shocked. Surprised. Determined to get used to the idea and be excited and happy.

Flew back to Tulsa and my normal issues with motion sickness were a million times worse. Praise God for the off-duty Southwest airline attendant who helped me care for Zoe and Gideon and did her best to help me out too. That was a crazy ride. I was wheeled off the airplane in a wheelchair to my waiting husband who was amazing through all of it.

Finally made it home to Tulsa and we were all together. I struggled for that first month to be excited. I honestly had a lot of misgivings and concerns that something wasn't right. But, early pregnancy is full of so many hormones and fears take over. Honestly, I tend to be a paranoid person by nature so it didn't really seem that much different from my first two pregnancies.

We continued with our crazy busy summer. After two weeks at home with normalcy, we headed off to our yearly week at Camp Good News. My husband was the program director and I was a dorm mom and Bible teacher. We took our oldest with us, but our Gideon stayed with his MomMom. It was a long week. I felt horrible with "morning" sickness the whole time.

Picture proof: at Camp Good News feeling the effects.

At the end of the week, we came home and rested for the night. Then I went to a baby shower for a friend who happens to own a 4D Ultrasound business. It was exciting to celebrate her pregnancy while I was finally getting excited about my own. At the shower, I won an ultrasound of my own for this now hoped for baby. I was eleven weeks pregnant at this time.

Exactly a week later, on Saturday August 2nd, we had a big game night planned and had friends invited. As normal in pregnancy, I took my daily, much needed nap. I woke up that afternoon with light, but not light enough bleeding. Called my OB and was told to lay down, put my feet up, and drink lots of water.

So, we relaxed for the afternoon. I got started on a book I'd been putting off reading for forever, oddly enough Twilight - don't judge. As the afternoon progressed toward evening, it was obvious that blood flow was not lessening, but increasing. So, Rod called his parents and they came to get the kids so we could have more flexibility and move quickly if we needed to make a trip to the hospital. We canceled our game night and settled in for the evening. I was praying to keep this baby. So hard. We distracted ourselves as much as possible with t.v. and me with Twilight. Crazy enough, just the sort of fluff I needed at the time.

As the evening progressed, I started having more and more pain. Now, I'd had two births at the time, but both of them I ended up having an epidural with. There are no epidurals for miscarriages. I called my OB again. Trying to find out what was going on: if I was indeed miscarrying and there was no hope or if I should still be doing everything possible to save this baby. As much as I'd loved her before, I felt like she was vague and unwilling to give me much direction. "Be comfortable. Take ibuprofen. Relax as much as you can." I had no idea what to expect. I didn't know there would be so much pain. I didn't know if I should be in a hospital or not.

Thankfully, our deepest pain can be used to carry others through their deepest pain. Rod's Mom, who has faced three maternal losses, was invaluable in her words of help. She confirmed that the pain of the labor I was going through was absolutely and unfortunately normal. I forgot to mention that at this time Rod was in excruciating pain himself from an injury he had sustained to both of his feet while at camp. So much so that when I decided I was scared enough and wanted to know for sure the I was losing my baby and we should go to the ER, he crawled on his hands and knees to get what we needed to be able to leave.

He drove me to the ER. He sat with me in the waiting room of St. Francis' ER. Waiting into the early morning hours. At one point, I decided I had to use the restroom. Made my way to the one in the ER waiting area (which seemed like miles away from the seating area it contained) after telling Rod he didn't have to come wait outside the door. Silly me. I am unsure if I passed just the placenta at that time as I am relatively sure I actually saw the tiny form of our teeny, tiny baby while we were still at home, but I definitely finished the process there and from the loss of blood and sheer magnitude of emotions and mental things going on, I left the bathroom unsure if I could make it to the ER front desk without fainting. Didn't even try to make it to Rod in his much needed chair (foot injury and all), but made my way to the desk, leaned heavily on it, and said I felt like I was going to faint. Wow. That got me right in. Good to know, hopefully for no future reference.

Once they ushered me into the ER area, they put me on a gurney in the hallway as all of the "rooms" were full. They gave me an IV and a drug to help my nausea and dizziness subside. Whatever it was, it made me feel horrible. I went into sheer panic. It is honestly by the grace of God that the craziness going on inside my head stayed only there. I didn't jump out of the bed and scream and run out like I thought of doing. I cried out to God laying in that bed. My eyes were closed and I screamed at Him. I questioned why this was happening. It felt so undeserved. Why did He allow me to get pregnant, when we weren't even trying, if this was going to be the result? When I was finished with all of the mental rage and craziness, partly from the drug and then from finally being able to rest (no more labor pains) and face what had happened, I felt God speak to me in the quiet. Nothing hugely profound, at least maybe not to you, but it was to me at the time and still to this day. It was "at least you have me to yell at". It was then my spirit quieted and I soaked up the fact that I wasn't alone. Even though my sweet husband was with me, I was never aware before until that time that ultimately, in times of sorrow, in times of pain, in times of mental breakdowns, in the time of death.....it is just me and God. No one else walks through that with you.

Finally quieted, they eventually moved us into an examination room where they asked a million questions, checked me, and didn't give me any information. I knew I had miscarried by this point, but everyone spoke to me like it hadn't happened yet. Understandable from a medical point of view - nothing was absolutely confirmed yet - but increasingly infuriating to me! After the examination, they wheeled my bed into a "room", gave Rod a blanket to try and sleep in his chair and said they'd do an ultrasound around 7am the next morning to have a diagnosis.

So, I slept. Amazingly, I slept well. Closed everything out and just slept. I woke when they were wheeling me into an ultrasound room. The tech performed her duty and then I was wheeled back into my "room" to wait for a Doctor to officially let me know my diagnosis.

I really have no idea what time he came....probably close to 9am....and confirmed what I already knew. I had lost my baby. I was released and told to see my OB as soon as they could get me in. We left the hospital numb and so tired. Rod drove us to Sonic and got us some food. While he ran into Wal-Mart to pick up something I can't remember now, I called my mom and told her what had happened. Then we went home and just crashed.

I felt like I had just become excited and overjoyed about another baby and now we were canceling our first ultrasound that was scheduled only three days after I miscarried and beginning a long, long road to recovery. Immediately, we had family and friends loving on us like crazy. I remember my friend and neighbor at the time, Katie, coming and bringing us a homemade calzone for dinner. She sat and talked with me that first day when I honestly didn't want to talk to anyone, but needed to talk to and see her. My sweet, sweet sister-in-law made us a lovely dinner of manicotti. Strange the things you remember. My longest girlfriend outside of my sisters came and dropped off roses. My mom and sisters came and kept everything going while I recovered physically and attempted to recover emotionally. Honestly, there were so many people who cared for us that my memory is fuzzy on the details.

This picture was taken one week after my miscarriage

when we went out to celebrate my mom's birthday. I 

remember feeling numb and almost like I was present, 

but not really. I was so very sad.

The emotional recovery is ongoing and the hardest part was the first two years. I was seemingly fine and healthy and trying to get on with life and love the good that I had for the first three months after, but I was really struggling inside and felt like I couldn't share that with anyone. Felt like if I was honest about all of the dark thoughts and feelings I was having, they'd commit me! Unfortunately, I shut down. I closed in. I became depressed and really struggled with the idea of staying. I never thought of taking my life, but I fought constantly it seemed at one time the idea of leaving and Rod and the kids being better off without me and all of this ocean of emotion going on in me.

God and Rod were incredibly patient and loving to me. I had so many people praying for me and loving on me, even when I struggled to acknowledge or accept it. I reached a point where I decided to leave the life I once knew and the ideas I'd had about God and take a leap of faith. I was going to try Him. I was going to seek Him. I was going to question Him. I sang and cried out to Him with the songs "There Will Be A Day" by Jeremy Camp and "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real over and over. Amazing the healing that comes from admitting that I don't understand, I question, but I also have hope and faith that what I believed was true.

"This is where the healing begins...."

By Spring of 2009 I was pregnant again and while fearful and working to trust God, I knew every moment was a gift. Nothing was promised to me: no matter how "good" I lived or thought I looked in God's eyes. I decided to put aside any masks. To stop pleasing people and only care about pleasing God. That desire just continued to increase after Tobyn Valor was born in October of 2009, healthy and truly a "gift from God" as his name means.

We began searching earnestly for authenticity and truth in Spring of 2010. We found so many communities of Jesus (churches) that fulfilled all of that and more, but decided our home community was Lifechurch in August of 2010. Since then, we've solidified our faith and have a passion to be fully devoted followers of Jesus like we had never had before. No more doing things to look good or to "please" God....we learned that does not promise a life without pain. We live from a place of knowing that because of Jesus, God is already pleased with us and we can't do anything to change that. We live, we love, we laugh, we hurt, we know that all things work together for good. I am passionate about telling my story and hope you will be too. I feel like this is only the beginning and I just celebrated the 5th anniversary of baby Xara Hope meeting Jesus before we did. There will be more pain. There will be more joy. This is life and it is beautiful brokenness.

Choosing

Last night I had one of those rare nights of insomnia. Yay for getting to watch all of season 1 of "Call the Midwife". I finally fell asleep about 6am this morning. Woke up at 8am to get ready for the day. All morning I've felt like I'm on the edge. Like everything is just waiting to explode. Being honest; keeping it real. I tried my hardest to be calm and patient as I took my children on a trek through Target. As we were home and I was dividing out breakfast, I thought, "This is going to be a rough day!" with an extra long sigh for emphasis. 

Definitely- it could go that way.

But then I thought, "you choose". I believe that I have the very same Spirit living inside of me that raised Jesus Christ from the dead. If he's powerful enough to do that, surely He's powerful enough to change my perspective and attitude. It was amazing the mental shift. The obvious change in direction that took place was overwhelming. I'm sure I will have to avail myself of His power through this day, as I should every moment, but the reminder that it is all about my choice has stuck in my brain and heart....again. Lessons being repeated as usual. 

We all have the power to choose. We are made in His image.

Two Roads: A Decided Path

For the last month and a half, Rod has been interviewing for a position that would possibly take our family to Boise, Idaho. The rewards of such a venture were vast and we excitedly supported this possible opportunity. Our two roads: one would take us to Boise, Idaho in a huge career jump with a whole new part of the country opened for us to explore, while the other would keep us in Tulsa, Oklahoma to continue building things we've been a part of for the last few years.

Boise is a beautiful place that I would love to visit if I ever have the opportunity. 

After lots of prayer and pursuit of the Boise opportunity, Rod found out this week that he did not get the job. He did get great recommendation for his skills and encouragement from his boss. Nothing disappointing really about not getting the job. After all of the tornados that have ravaged our beloved Oklahoma as well as the pull of family living nearby in Colorado, Texas, Missouri, Kentucky, and within the state, we'd already been completely happy with the prospect of getting to stay.

So, what now? We are still working with determination to get our current home refinanced. After we refinance, we will plan to rent it out. Our goal is to have those completed by the end of the summer. Then we will purchase land and build a place we want to put some roots in for a while. Rod is excited about continuing to breathe life and greatness into his Tulsa team (he did get the job he'd applied for here to be the training supervisor for the Tulsa site) and I'm excited to have space to grow our family, breathe life into other families through our local church (Lifechurch.tv), and praying about the possibility of adoption and/or foster care. Excited about what God holds in our future.

Greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done in this city. 

Sleepless Night

After a long day of at least a 3 mile walk (carrying 30lbs of Tobyn for 1.5 miles of that), going up and down 40 or so stadium steps twice, you'd think I'd be out. Nope. It's 2am and I'm wide awake. Spent the last few hours conversing with the entity that is God. The Almighty. The Wonderful. The Counselor. I have been reminded of all of these attributes we're aware of in just these last few hours. Read the end of "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan and a few chapters of "Erasing Hell" and am acutely aware of just how complex and amazing He is. Also renewed and reminded of my purpose. Not to promote myself, not to make myself more and more comfortable in this life, not to seek safety and security: all of which are here today and gone tomorrow. I am here to point people to the truth. That while we are sinners, fallen and broken, this separate i.e. "holy" God-head made a way for us to know Him, to worship Him in spirit and truth, and escape the inevitable result of our sinful nature: separation from all that God is, in everlasting torment.

Excited  about the things God is pushing and growing in my life, my husband's life, and our family as a whole. All of the things born in us: our personalities, our interests; all point to making Him known. I dream of buying a huge (in my mind) amount of land and building a large but simple home with the purpose of housing and loving foster kids in a holistic environment. Who knows what that will look like, where that will be, even when that will be. I only sense the enormity of what is being birthed in us...not for our glory or fame but to showcase how good, how kind, this holy, separate God truly is.

I'm utterly amazed.

The Taste of Spring

After a taste of spring a few weeks ago then a return to winter, the sun and warmer weather today is a welcome view. I have been reminded over the last few weeks that I don't wait for things to be perfect or optimal circumstances to begin efforts on my goals/dreams.

Enjoyed a lovely evening out last night with my man for his surprise birthday gift: Imagine Dragons concert. It was an especially needed respite after a long week. Urgent care trip last week for Tobyn to be sure his fever wasn't in connection with a tick bite (thankfully, it wasn't- or God healed him before his blood was even drawn), continual issues with our one vehicle's battery draining, and then to top all of that off Zoe's favorite bunny (the one we'd planned to keep) died overnight and she found it when it was feeding time yesterday morning.



This morning was a wonderfully restful morning: sleep and self-directed time for everyone. What could be better? After lunch begins the real work.

We'll be digging into our cleaning/downsizing/organizing project. Everything has been moved to the playroom to be divided into categories: items for garage sale, items to give away, items to pack away in the attic for future use (this will be a small set of items).

Caring for our garden plants is also on today's agenda. Did some transplanting over the weekend. Not all seeds have survived, but as this is an experiment and an adventure any experience we get is a success. It's thrilling to get dirty, to sweat and gently care for these plants, and already see some benefit to our efforts.

 More transplanting needs to be done today as our peppers, tomatoes, and some watermelons have sprouted as much as I think wise in their tiny containers.

Getting back to focus on my fitness goals. Weighed in this morning at 135. My goal is not so much weight loss as health awareness. Aligning our diet and activity to that of a healthy lifestyle. We've already made huge efforts in that direction. Progress over perfection as always. Did my R.I.P. (rest in plank) weight routine this morning, have my mason jar filled with refreshing water, and planning a dance party with the kids this afternoon for a break from all of our work. Hoping to get some reading in as well. Enjoying "The Fellowship of the Ring" by J.R.R. Tolkien and "The Story of the Bible" by Larry Stone. I put off picking them up each day not out of disinterest, but because I know how difficult it will be to stop!

Live loved and remember whoever finds God, finds life!

Renewed

After a much needed and unintentional break from my daily blogging, I'm back. Figuring out how to live and be in this world, doing what I can to keep myself healthy, and continuing to be involved and present even in the midst of rough days. So here are a few of my goals for this week to help me do better:

• Run/walk every morning. Dude needs to let out the energy and I need the alone time and exercise. Good way to jumpstart it.
• Cleaning out every room in the house. Organizing/dividing everything into things that stay in the house, things we'll sell in our garage sale (in the next two weeks hopefully!), things we'll donate, and things we'll pack away ready for our next adventure (whenever that may be). 
• Simplifying our daily menu. We eat the same basic things for each meal, every day. We'll get a fun meal on Saturdays to break it up. Meal plan is ready, shopping list set to go.

Three things. Hopefully they'll help me live out my values better in my daily life. Here we go! 

January 19th, 2013

Woke up with a mild headache, but mostly a lot of stiffness/soreness/mild pain in the back of my neck radiating down through the end of my spine. Called my internist's office and have an appointment today at 2:30pm to check things out. Relaxing, texting with my mom, doing some laundry and book work with the kids this morning. I have no fear as to what or if there is any concern with this. My only fear of dying (just in generic terms, not specific to this situation) is my husband and kids having to deal with that great pain. I know God would bring them through it and they would find beauty in the pain, but having felt a hint of that pain with my miscarriage, and even knowing the beauty and good that has come from it, I don't wish it on anyone.

So, the apt went well. Thankful my sister, Melanie, could watch my kids and lives less than a mile away from my doctor. Also thankful that Rod was able to get off work, drive me, and sat with me the whole time. Love that man of mine. So, after my doctor did some neuro testing and all of my other vitals were perfect, she said she felt it could be one of two things. Aura before a migraine....or MS. We decided to go with the aura thing and just watch for other symptoms of anything more going on. Thankful to not have to do any unneeded tests...but also feels like I didn't get an answer to my issue or how I feel.


Food Journal
Breakfast: 5 Ritz crackers, coffee with creamer
Lunch: 1/2 grilled cheese sandwich, 4 apple slices
Dinner: Papa Murphy's

Water: IIII   8oz. glasses

February 18th, 2013

It's been a while. Enjoyed a lovely trip to Houston, TX to visit my parents. Lovely up until we all came down with the flu. Got in some nice adventures before that, though, and if we were all going to have the flu anyway....it was really nice having my parents' help.

Now that I'm home and we're all mostly well, my mind is in a constant frenzy of ideas. Ideas for fixing up the house. Ideas for gardening. Ideas for learning. The list just keeps growing. Trying to hone in and focus. I cannot do a million things at once. On the other hand, sometimes it seems I love planning more than I love doing.

Spending today catching up on laundry and dishes. Lots of relaxing for the kids. Recovery all around. Tomorrow starts my new "daily routine". Hoping it will go well. Reminding myself that I can't wait for everything to fall perfectly in place before I begin. Life is just plain messy.

It's so nice to have laundry kept up and a general sense of order in the house. It's not perfect by any means, but I don't want to live in a museum. It has a pleasantly lived in feeling.

Made a scrumptious dinner and after checking to make sure everything was going well, went downstairs to check my Facebook. Around 5pm. My vision got super blurry. So much that I couldn't read anything on the screen *with* my glasses on. Went and checked to make sure nothing was obviously in my eyes, noticed my peripheral vision was lowered...especially on my left side. Like there was pretty much nothing. Tried taking off my glasses, etc. to see if anything changed it. Checked dinner again, by the time Rod was home the vision issue had cleared up replaced by a pressure headache in my forehead and behind my ears. A little weird. Called my nurse mother and got advice as to whether I could wait and see my internist tomorrow or needed a trip to the ER. Ran to Wal-Mart to check my blood pressure and pulse. A little high, but nothing crazy obvious. So, decided to rest and see the doc tomorrow. Not how I planned to spend the evening, but such is life.


Food Journal
Breakfast: 2 cream cheese pancakes with syrup
Lunch: 1/2 pb and jelly sandwich with 1/4 of an apple
Dinner: 1 cup chicken & broccoli stir-fry with 1 cup roasted sweet potatoes
Water (with lemon! amazing how good it is): IIIIII       (8oz. glasses)

January 29th, 2013

Don't you love waking up from a vivid dream? I don't. For one, I rarely ever wake up remembering any dreams I had. The last month or so, though, it seems like a continous occurance. Last night's was a doosy. For who knows what reason, watching a mother lying next to her lifeless grown son in a hospital bed and having to say goodbye. Good grief, I am a bit of a wreck this morning. I struggle anyway with a fine line of being cautious and just being all out "don't leave the house....you're going to die". I'm not worried or concerned for myself. My only hang up on me personally dying is the thought of leaving my kids behind and the questions and pain they would endure losing a mother so young. However, it seems almost as infinitely painful to have one of my children go before me. Then God whispers through different avenues peace into my heart: reminders of things I know already but forget in these moments of near panic. He is peace when my fear is crippling.

In other news, typical Oklahoma weather: it's a muggy 70+ degrees outside and we're under a Tornado Watch until 3pm. Praying saftey over those who's work is outside today. I'm sure it's from the weather system, but seems like my pressure headache just increases. Took it super easy yesterday out of necessity it seemed. Today I have no such option. Bookwork with the kids this morning and then cleaning and laundry.


Food Journal
Breakfast: bread with peanut butter and strawberry spread, 1 mug of coffee with sugar and milk
Lunch: egg & sweet potato hash

2 8oz glasses of Cherry Coke
Water intake:  -8oz. glasses

January 28th, 2013

Enjoyed a busy, full weekend. Stopped off at our friend Zane's book signing on the way out to Rod's family's house. Spent the bulk of Saturday visiting, making music, eating, and playing Catch Phrase with the Emmons. Sunday we enjoyed a great morning in Toon Town at church. Had fun playing Uno with a nice circle of kids. Finished off the series "God Is" with God is love. Love seeing the kids grow in Christ and love seeing Rod using his talents to make God and principles of God real and understandable to the kids there. The weather was nice, but rainy and overcast. Resulting in pressure headaches for both Rod and I. Came home to recouperate a little bit and enjoy some leftover pizza and Duck Dynasty. Baked bread and finally roasted a chicken I'd been putting off doing. Yay for having food prepped for the week ahead. In spite of headaches and cranky children, we spent the last part of our day at Revolve Church with our Family Regroup discussing the first chapter of "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. Fantastic book so far and even better discussion. Questions are good and needed for a growing faith. Came home and felt horrible, woke up this morning and the nausea is overwhelming. I forget how bad my allergies and reaction to weather changes used to be until such days as this. Doing what I can when I can, but right now that means feeding children, encouraging them to do nice things on Minecraft, and staying as immobile as possible. If it's not one thing, it's another. Hate this back and forth. Trying not to be discouraged by it....not always succeeding.


Food Journal
Breakfast: 1 cup of coffee with milk and sugar
Lunch: cheese chips
Dinner: veggie spaghetti and bread

Water intake:    -8oz. glasses

January 25th, 2013

Great start to the morning. Advantages of waking up without feeling sick. Enjoyed a nice breakfast with the kids and caught up on our "God Is" reading plan. Loved these verses we read from Isaiah:

Verse 28-31 in the NIRV:
Don't you know who made everything? Haven't you heard about him? The Lord is the God who lives forever. He created everything on earth. He won't become worn out or get tired. No one will ever know how great his understanding is. He gives strength to those who are tired. He gives power to those who are weak. Even young people become worn out and get tired. Even the best of them trip and fall. But those who trust in the Lord will receive new strength. They will fly as high as eagles. They will run and not get tired. They will talk and not grow weak.

Great verses to memorize/remember/have in a visible place. No matter what happens in life, I love knowing that this is the God I choose to trust. It liberates me.

Food Journal
Breakfast: 1 egg, 1 piece of orange, 1 cup of milk
Lunch: 1 bowl beef stew with shredded cheese

Water intake:     -8oz. glasses

January 24th, 2013

Woke up late this morning. Amazed my kids let me sleep in until 9:30am. My body definitely needed it. Started feeling yucky yesterday afternoon and it is full blown today. Congestion and intense nausea culminating in an overall blah feeling. Taking it easy today. Bookwork and reading with the kids, giving them plenty of opportunity to play Minecraft. Not loving this rollercoaster of illness. Seems like once everyone is well, another person goes down. Over it!

Great part about today: reading "Treasure Island" to my son and having plenty of time to read "7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess". Had a nice relaxing day, finished off with a few rounds of Uno with the family before bedtime.


Food Journal
Breakfast: banana with peanut butter, small orange, 1 mug of hot tea, 1 mug of coffee with milk and sugar
Lunch: 1 bowl of beef stew with shredded colby jack
Snack: celery, radishes, carrots & dip with popcorn
Dinner: rice with chicken broth gravy, steamed zucchini

Water intake:  8 -8 oz. glasses
2 glasses of tea

January 23rd, 2013

Today is definitely hump day. Feel like I have lots of energy at the beginning of the week and Wednesday is usually my "slow down or I'll die" day. Relaxed quite a bit this morning and let the kids do their thing. Which, oddly enough, was a limited amount of computer time. Worked with Zoe to clean out the bunny cage and had the kids clean up toys while I worked on laundry. Lunch came way too soon and I hadn't made my strawberry spread early enough, so they had homemade bread & peanut butter with strawberry soup sandwiches. Hoping it thickens up nicely as it cools. *fingers crossed* Naps will be an absolute must today. At least for me and Toby. He's got something going on as he says he's sleepy almost constantly. I feel chest and nasal congestion coming on, so there's that. Skipping out on Konnect tonight originally because Rod wouldn't be home to keep Tobyn, but now kind of thankful it worked out that way as my body is in need of some immunity boosting. Eating oranges, drinking water, and napping. Little treats.

Felt better after a long rest and relaxation. Made yummy beef stew for dinner and finished up my homemade bread. Baking is on the agenda for tomorrow. Had a nice surprise that Rod came home earlier than expected and got to join us for dinner and Duck Dynasty (seriously, I'm addicted). After a filling dinner, we played Gideon's new Lego Pirate game and Lord of the Rings Monopoly. Lots of great math learning going on tonight. Rod and Zoe finished off the night playing Minecraft learning about square feet. Soon the kids will be in bed and we will reach the best part of the day: couple time.

Food Journal
Breakfast: banana with 1 tblsp homemade peanut butter, 2 mugs of coffee with sugar and milk
(yes, I said 2. It's hump day people!)
Lunch: 1 1/2 cup of hash (beef, potatoes, veggies, and cheese)
Snack: 4 almonds
Dinner: 2 bowls of beef stew, 4 small slices of bread, 1 glass of tea

Water Intake:       -8oz. glasses

January 22nd, 2013

Today's plans: cleaning & organizing, teaching the kids to work, potty training.

Got more done on my room, cheered the kids on through their cleaning of toys, and gave up on potty training efforts for today. Toby seems to not be feeling well or in a growth spurt and acts like the addition of potty training is just too much. We'll try again next week. For my part, hopefully I can get more work done without adding that into it.

Zoe was excited to help me prep our afternoon snack and learned how to peel carrots and cucumbers. It was fun to see her so excited about accomplishing something in the kitchen. Tomorrow we will tackle homemade graham crackers.

This evening, Zoe and I went to the hospital to visit her friend who's there with pneumonia. We had an amazing conversation on the way home about the mystery and questions of life concerning bad things happening to people and God's control. We had just finished talking about it when "Your Loves Never Fails" came on the radio...which helped cement that conversation. Relating it to how as a parent I will let Zoe feel pain or be upset at me in order to do what's best for her (not letting her eat candy all day was the illustration) and it's because of my deep love for her, not a lack of love for her. Love these organic opportunities to talk about truth.

Enjoyed some Duck Dynasty and yummy dinner before tucking my sweet kids in to bed. So thankful for this life I get to live.


Food Journal
Breakfast: 1 mug of coffee with sugar and milk, banana with 1 tblsp. homemade peanut butter
Lunch: 1 cup hash (potatoes, beef, veggies, cheese)
Snack: veggies (radish, carrots, cucumber, celery), pretzels and sour cream dill dip
Dinner: 4 egg rolls, 1 piece of cheesecake

Water intake: 11 -8oz. cups
Workout: R.I.P. and back exercises

January 21st, 2013

Tried my hand at making homemade dishwashing detergent today. Great except that I forgot to get lemonade Kool-Aid packets so will be finishing it this evening. Hopeful that it will be a better and cheaper solution to my weekly purchase.

Spent time helping Zoe extract her paper dolls and accessories from her Josefina set. Made some headway in cleaning out my bedroom. All of this may not seem like much to have done in a morning, but I will include potty training efforts to that list. I feel like a crazy woman. A happy, albeit crazy woman.

Enjoyed a nice quiet lunch with my boys while Zoe was over playing at her friend's house. The rest of the afternoon agenda: finish bedroom, laundry, and work out. Let's see how this goes. Got a lot of paper shredding done. I keep reminding myself it's part of the process of cleaning out, but it just takes so much longer than I feel it should.

Zoe was an emotional mess for the afternoon/evening. Not sure what that's connected to. Had good conversation and gave her quiet time to reflect and recenter herself.

Gideon was sweet and enjoyed getting to play Minecraft and playing pretend with Toby and Zoe and Lexi when they were at the house. Having issues with the older two feeling entitled to "stuff" or to not have to work. Change is a coming. Part of the problem, I feel, is that our staying alive doesn't depend on everyone being super involved in keeping the household going.

Potty training with Tobyn was crazy. Seemed like he decided he was just not going to do it. He knew where he should go, but he didn't care to. So, we will try again tomorrow.

Went to my sister's for the evening and ate her delicious chicken pesto pizza. Enjoyed watching "Pitch Perfect" for the fourth time. Nice to get out and have adult conversation and company after a relatively difficult day at home.

Food Journal
Breakfast: 1 scrambled egg, 1 mug coffee with sugar and milk, 1/3 of a banana
Lunch: Philly cheesesteak sandwich, 1/2 cup oven baked potatoes
Dinner: chicken pesto pizza, 2 slices of cheesecake

Water intake:   16- 8oz. glasses

January 20th, 2013

Woke up to the dreaded alarm clock, albiet at a generally nice time of 8am. New resolution: be in bed with nothing else to do (watching shows, etc.) by 11pm. Mornings are just too painful when you don't fall asleep until 1am. Especially mornings that require an 8am wake up call and preparing a family for church.

Made it out of the door and had a great time in Toon Town leading 1st-4th graders to become fully devoted followers of Christ. Love watching my husband work his magic and keep 40+ kids excited and interested in learning and growing in Christ.

After church, we spent the rest of our day with Jon & Rachel and baby Jocelyn. Enjoyed delicious homemade Philly cheesesteak sandwiches, oven potatoes, and steamed broccoli. We had been trying to get together for 3 weeks. Ah the joys of family growth and sick season. It was refreshing and much needed. Holding sweet Jocelyn is an enjoyable way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

Finishing off the day with Minecraft and guitar. Tomorrow: house cleaning and organization. On another down-sizing hunt and getting the house primed to make it rent-ready.

January 19th, 2013

Woke up at 10am this morning.

Yes, you read that correctly. 10. A. M.

It was glorious. Enjoyed a leisurely morning sipping coffee, catching up on my Scramble games, and chatting with my sister while Rod and the kids played Minecraft. Such peace can only last for so long and so we deparated our separate ways.

I headed out for the two week grocery acquisition trip. Let me just say, I was incredibly disheartened after one unnamed grocery store full of processed crap. Yes, I mean crap. No one should be eating that stuff. Put my cart away and headed to Braum's to get my dairy, free of hormones. Lifted my spirits enough that I pulled up my bootstraps and headed to Reasor's to finish my list. I am incredibly proud that I used cash (making me stick to my list and be aware of how much I was getting) and feel like my food budget for the next two weeks was spent well.

Today I have been sickened by America's food sources. They make what we are willing to purchase. For now. Even that may not be possible as the economy continues to change. I have been making a mental list all day of the things I need to research: raising goats, bunnies, and chickens for meat and dairy; well and water sources; gardening and composting; what grows in Oklahoma; canning and preserving. And that's just today's list.

We are working toward making our current home rental-ready so that we can buy land on the outskirts of Tulsa. We want to build a simple home (most likely a steel building) and begin cultivating our land and self-preservation abilities. Not out of nervousness or fear of anything, but because we want to be as healthy as we possibly can. I dream of having plenty to share. Giving jobs and/or food as much as we are able. Excited for the work that will come. I know it won't be easy, but much more worthwhile.

Food Journal
Breakfast: eggs & potatoes, coffee with sugar and milk
Snack: three mini Hershey bars
Lunch/Dinner: leftover garlic chicken pizza
Snack: cheese & crackers, hummus

Water intake: 2- 8oz. glasses

January 18th, 2013

It's a brand new day. The sun is high. All the birds are singing..... But I digress. It is a beautiful day today. Nice break from the winter chill, some sun and higher temps (50s/60s) for the weekend. Enjoyed a low key morning of planning and relaxed  breakfast with the kids. Planning a big errand trip this afternoon with a stop at the park for Vitamin D and good measure. The grocery shopping idea makes me think I'm going crazy, but I probably should've known that by now. Made the kids their own separate lists of items with estimated prices. They'll see the difference between the estimated and actual cost, then total their "purchases". Interested to see how it goes. Yippee!

Didn't happen. Got sidetracked by my sister, Melanie, coming to visit. We had a great time, made a Wal-Mart run, then she stayed home with the kids so Rod and I could go see "The Hobbit" finally. Beautiful movie. Absolutely loved it. Made me want to finish the LotR book I'm currently on. After we got home, it was time for girlie movies and snacks with Meg. Watched "Dear Frankie" -hideously sad and poignant- and "Jane Austen Book Club". Fun night with my girl.


Food Journal
Breakfast: 1 mug hot tea, 1 mug coffee, 1 egg scrambled, 1/2 an orange
Lunch: 1 bowl potato soup with 1/4 cup shredded cheese
Dinner: 1 slice garlic chicken pizza, popcorn, large cherry coke
Snacks: hummus, alouette cheese, crackers, mini hershey bars

Water intake: 8- 8oz. glasses

January 17th, 2012

Doing well on my workout plan. Had to replace the Pilates Bootcamp, though, after the first try. Concerned it could aggrivate my already separated abdominal muscles. So, my new workout schedule is: 10 minute Cardio and Just Dance 3 Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Back strengthening exercises and R.I.P. (rest in plank: abs and arms) along with a family walk on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Definitely feel stronger and my posture is much improved.

Amazing feat of the day: finishing school with the kids. Some days are easy....today was not one of them. But, they learned, so success for all. Thinking about reworking my weekly schedule. Organized learning activities Monday through Thursday, Friday for errands and Life Skills (i.e. cleaning/projects), Saturday: day of complete rest, Sunday: church and prep for the week/family time.

Had a productive afternoon of laundry and organization. Not even a dent made, but such is life. Dinner and Duck Dynasty relief. Had a nice Facebook chat with my sister in Colorado. Thankful for technology! Off to put kids to bed, enjoy time with my husband, then my first night back at Church Online for the 11pm. Nervous and excited.

Loved my new Church Online team. Learned a lot of behind the scenes info on how it works. Love hearing how many people have come to Christ through such a thing as the Internet. Excited to be back! Love seeing people from so many different countries and walks of life come to know Jesus and be loved, accepted, and challenged to grow.


Food Journal
Breakfast: small waffle with peanut butter & syrup, coffee with sugar and milk
Lunch: 1 slice of frittata with ketchup
Dinner: 1 1/2 cup of stew with rice, 2  glasses of tea, 2 pieces of cornbread with 2 slices of colby jack cheese

Water intake: 12- 8oz glasses

January 16th, 2013

Woke up feeling sore and nauseated. Possibly from the shock to my body of exercise and eating well. Gave myself the gift of a slow morning. Fed the kids and let them play Minecraft, then read my Historical reading plan on Youversion, caught up on Facebook and e-mail, then surfed Pinterest. Enjoying a slower morning of school work with the kids. Did our "God Is" reading plan and practiced their challenge cards for church. Book work is the agenda for the rest of the morning.

Got all of our book work done. Enjoyed a fun lunch watching another "How It's Made" episode about beer, bathtubs, helicopters, and hearing aids. Did my 10 minute cardio video again today. Tough stuff, but the good kind.

First night back at Konnect after the Christmas break tonight. Felt good to be back. Love seeing the leaders connecting with their circle group kids and even pushing through the craziness that comes with large amounts of children. Looking forward to next week.


Food Journal
Breakfast: two cups of coffee with sugar and milk
Lunch: 1 slice fritatta (egg, potato, green pepper, tomato, cheese), 4 orange slices
Snack: 1 cup milk, 1 rounded tablespoon of homemade peanut butter
Dinner: popcorn, apple pie & ice cream, 1 mug of hot tea

Water intake: 6- 8oz. glasses

January 15th, 2013

Another slower day due to kids feeling sick. Tried a new workout today, unsure if I'll continue. Pilates bootcamp might be a little harsh on my torn abdomen muscles. Ya think?

Made my first batch of oven cooked hard-"boiled" eggs. Kids were excited to have such an accessible snack. Love all of the good things they like to eat....especially when that's the only option. Catching up on laundry today. Full body workout. Toby decided to start potty training today. Right now he's in real undies and has used the potty once already. Here's hoping it sticks. Been dreading the work (i.e. accidents) involved, but ready for this next step. Enjoyed a nice lunch with the kids and watching "How It's Made" episodes about mozarella cheese, toothpicks, fluorescent lightbulbs, and bathtubs.

Food Journal
Breakfast: 1 mug of hot tea, 1 1/2 banana, 2 tbsp homemade peanut butter, 1 cup of milk
Lunch: 1 1/2 cups chicken stew, 1 slice Revolve bread
Snack: handful almonds, 1 mug of hot tea
Dinner: 1 slice Revolve bread, 2 eggs, 1 slice Swiss cheese, 1 slice pepperjack cheese, 6-7 spinach leaves, glass of tea, slice of apple pie, 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream, 1 mug of hot tea

Water intake: 6- 8oz. glasses

January 14th, 2013

Weekend Review:

Had a nice, relaxing weekend. Will be even more restful with better planning. Unexpected night in on Saturday night complete with homemade egg rolls, Just Dance 3 fun with the family, and alone time with my man complete with Skip-Bo and our current t.v. addiction "Rules of Engagement". Sunday was our usual Toon Town experience fun for the morning. Came home to everyone needing naps and Gideon not feeling good. Enjoyed a relaxed afternoon before heading to Revolve Church for the new regroup we're participating in with our friends Zane and Jenny. The kids had fun playing while we discussed what we want to do in this Family Regroup. Looking forward to starting "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. Finished off with a fun evening of playing music, watching t.v., and hot apple pie.


Today:

Heaven on earth: sleeping in until 8:30am. Although, the reason for that is sick children. Gideon feels horrible and the others aren't far behind him. Planning to have a relaxed school day of learning games and reading, while Zoe will do her full school load while she is still mostly healthy. Lots of planning on my part since I'm free to do so. Looked up hotels for our possible trip to San Antonio and/or Austin while we're visiting my parents. Ordered a history curriculum from the library to peruse. Moved "important" files to our external hard drive so that *fingers crossed* Rod can reformat the laptop and it will actually work better. Yay me!

Updated my blogger profile. It had been two years since receiving any attention. Made homemade peanut butter for the second time and I must say, the food processor makes the difference. I am in a committed relationship with said food processor until the end of time.

Delicious, chemical free peanuty goodness. Made yummy pb & jelly sandwiches with this and homemade bread we recieved from Revolve Church yesterday. Next on my agenda: homemade fruit spread.

Started my new fitness/exercise plan. Today I fell in love with this workout.  10 minutes. No props. Perfecto!

Finished off the evening relaxing with the family. Made delicious chicken stew to have with our Revolve bread. Ended the night doing three songs on Just Dance 3 and trying some other Kinect games.

Food Journal (weighed in at 135)
Breakfast: 3/4 cup honey roasted peanuts, 2 mugs of hot tea, banana
Lunch: 1/2 pb & jelly sandwich, 4 apple slices, 1 cup milk
Snack: 1 mug hot tea
Dinner: two bowls chicken stew, 1 whole piece of bread, apple pie slice w/ 1/2 cup ice cream

Water intake: 12- 8oz glasses

January 12th, 2013

Today is (or was supposed to be) our first day of fulfilling our new family "time budget" with a day of complete rest. Lack of planning and a difficult week on my part, means it's not going the way I was hoping. "Had" to do a load of clothes, had chicken leftovers waiting to be made into chicken stock, meals to be made. Doing the least that I can, but know that if I will be taking Saturday as a complete day of rest, I will need to have meals/leftovers ready for the day and be caught up on essential housework.

So, I've got my chicken stock simmering, two loads of laundry in the process, and just finished a yummy brunch of oven potatoes and farm-style scrambled eggs. Another of the things I didn't plan for: the need to run out and get baby wipes and bunny littler/food. Live and learn. I will be heading off to do that shortly. When I come home, my plan is to read and relax until 4pm-ish when we will (again, lack of planning) tidy up the house and get ready for Jon, Rachel, baby Jocelyn, and Renee to come visit. As it stands, my plan is to make homemade egg rolls and rice. We shall see.


Food Journal
1 1/2 scrambled eggs, 3/4 cup roasted potatoes, 3 cups hot tea (yes, 3)

Screw my food journal. Took a break for the weekend....untintentionally.

January 11th, 2013

Oops! I skipped a few days. I've been doing better about being busy living life instead of gravitating toward the Internet. That gaping black hole of Internet. What has happened in the last few days? We've done great at being consistent with school in the mornings. Been playing guitar and ukulele more. Discovered the hated "F Chord" in guitar. I feel relatively well during the day, but after going, going, going for most of the day, I crash and feel awful in the evening. Before I seek medical help, I am determined to straighten my diet out, increasing my protein and lessening my sugars. I will also be exercising daily and taking a nap every afternoon. It will not be easy. Every fiber of my being desires to fight this will, and yet it will be done. Something has got to change. I can't be the wife and mother that I want to be this way.

Today will be full of working on those aspects (diet, exercise, sleep) as well as school and the never ending cleaning. Although, now I have drive to clean things out so that we can clean the house out, do whatever renovations needed, and sell it this spring. Praying we will be able to buy land and build a house on it and transplant our living.

School was a challenge today. Good points: Gideon did *amazing* reading his words in his Phonics book. Started out painful, but he was getting the hang of it and reading with less help by the end. Hooray! Zoe was incredibly focused on getting her bookwork done. In the midst of all of this great learning, Toby was throwing a major fit about not being allowed to play with the iPad (another big push to not use tv/electronics until the afternoon). After finishing Phonics with Gideon, I read books with Toby and reconnected our relationship. Since then, no fits of screaming and crying. Wonder of wonders.

Closed the day out with Papa Murphy's pizza and watching "Hotel Transylvania" with the kids. Fun ending to a week and great beginning for the weekend.

Food Journal
Breakfast: 1 egg with spinach & Italian cheese, cup of hot tea, orange slices
Snack: handful honey roasted peanuts
Lunch: 1 egg & swiss omelet, 3/4 cup roasted sweet potatoes
Dinner: 1 piece Chicago stuffed pizza, 1 cheese bread piece, 2 S'mores pizza pieces

Water: 8- 8oz. glasses of water
1 glass Dr. Pepper

January 8th, 2013

A day like any other. Full of life and business. Felt very proud of myself for staying busy with things that needed done and taking little needed rests, but no extensive Internet time. Catching up on housework after the holidays and being sick feels like crawling out from underneath a pile of boulders. Dramatic much?

Had a great morning of school with the kids. Loving their excitement at practicing their piano and learning music theory. Nothing incredibly out of the ordinary for that portion of my day. Spent the rest of my day catching up on laundry and cleaning out rooms until my sister came to hang out and babysit.

*Sigh of relief* It was amazing to be able to leave my kids in my sister's capable hands for a fun movie night out with my husband. We went and saw Les Miserables. Amazing. I wasn't sure what I would think of it. The constant singing did take a moment to get into, but it was absolutely gorgeous. Loved the cinematography, the depth of feeling and emotion in each actor's/actress' performance, and the overall theme of the story of great depravity, yet forgiveness and redemption. Made me want to read the book and enjoyed a nice little history search and read on Victor Hugo.

Ended the day in bed feeling nauseated and yucky nasal issues. Hoping it isn't foreboding of sickness to come.